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Let the mourning comence. [Jun. 10th, 2008|10:11 pm]
[mood |sadsad]

I'm flying 2 boston for orientation tomorrow morning. I'm not leaving for good yet but it feels like I am.
It finally hit me that all I have now is my memories. I have to say good bye to everyone I love. Everything I know.
I'm really sad. I miss people that I just saw at Eric's party. People who I'm going to see in Scotland. I guess I miss my memories. I want to relive them i guess. I don't regret things. I just don't want those feelings and those places and those people to pass into memory. I know they have to but still. I miss it already and I don't want to let it go.
Graduation is like a rebirth. The life you knew is gone forever. Its like you die, but are reborn in a new place all alone, but with all your memories. I know I'm going to forge new relationships and soon all of this will seem like some distant dream. But right here right now I want it to last. I don't want the vividness of my memories to fade.
Leaving my old school was difficult. I spent my entire life there. prek-8. Now all the time spent there is clouded. I have bits and pieces of memories, but nothing solid. Nothing vivid. Just gray pictures. I have no emotional connection to those memories anymore. All attachment was eradicated by my mind piecing together information and diluting my memories with fiction. I don't want that to happen again.

Its not often that I'm actually sad. Its a strange difference from depression, regret, or low self esteem. Seems more pure. Less intense, but at the same time just as painful. Its beautiful in a way.
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My Future [Apr. 22nd, 2008|09:10 pm]
[mood |depresseddepressed]

I would give anything for someone to help me get money to go to BU. I really don't want to go to UCF. BU was the only school I even cared about getting into. All of the others were like o okay, but BU I was really excited. Now I can't go unless I get money. Im stuck between where I wanna go and where I can afford. Between which school will make me happy and which school will make me financially secure. Please someone help! I hate UCF. It has nothing I want. There is no reason why I am even considering UCF other than money. I hate this. Why does it have to be so difficult? I've been wearing BU tshirts and stuff for years. I've always wanted to go there. Then I get in and I can't afford it. I have one week to decide what I'm going to do.
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(no subject) [Apr. 11th, 2008|10:29 pm]
[mood |crushedcrushed]

I really don't want to go to ucf, but bu costs 51000 dollars. I can either be in debt of 240,000 dollars when i graduate or want to kill myself for four years, but get a free education. i want to cry. I really need money somehow. I can't get loans like that cause none of them are fixed interest rates so i might end up paying like double what i would if the recession ends and the fed raises interest rates. I really want to go on a game show or like have someone lend me money or something anything. Im so desperate.
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Today [Apr. 9th, 2008|07:55 pm]
I think im starting to climb out of this depressed state. I haven't had any bad thoughts today.

Prom should be exciting. Kinda confused about the whole getting there situation, but there are a bunch of couples I can ask if we need them. need a corsage. my parents are being really annoying about buying one. If they don't I might have to make one.

No homework today. weird.

Ui canceled disappointed but relieved.
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OMG STRESSED!!! [Apr. 1st, 2008|07:48 pm]
[mood |stressedstressed]

Today was sooo nerve racking and full of frustration/anticipation. Some people are sooo difficult to get alone for 5 minutes. Oh well.

Im really worried about paying for college. the only place i wanna go is bu its 48000 and my parents can only pay 20000 i have no scholarships or anything. idk what to do cause they only school i can afford is ucf and i'd like to go there as much as i'd like a knife in the back. BU is my first choice and i love boston. I really cant imagine spending the next 4 years with my parents.

I win maggie
You have an 95% chance of surviving a zombie attack.
'Would you survive a Zombie Attack?'
at QuizGalaxy.com
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spur of the moment [Mar. 10th, 2008|10:21 pm]
[mood |lonelylonely]

i need someone to hold
someone to be there
someone to share with
someone to cry with
someone to love
someone who I know wants me there
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Mourning of what is yet to pass [Mar. 10th, 2008|09:40 pm]
[mood |depresseddepressed]

I've been depressed for a long time now. Idk y. its just this never ending sadness. Like its always looming even when i seem happy. its kinda like when you are sick and your throat hurts, but you laugh anyway if somethings funny even if it hurts your throat. It kinda minimizes the joy a little. idk. i really hope this goes away or i find some cause or something. i really have no idea. i cant think of anything that would have made me so depressed for so long.

Hamlets over. that was an amazing experience. although i kinda wish it was still going on, im kinda glad its over cause it took so much out of me. first show was amazing. second show i gave a better performance only cause i fucked up a line in the first act and i know that most people don't get it but like doing that play and speaking those words meant so much to me. screwing it up was heart breaking. i know it sounds stupid but we all have things we care about like that. so i was really emotional and basically crying for 3 hours on and off stage.

I really hope mr width comes to scotland. i was really looking forward to having him there. plus he is the real thing that im going to say good bye to when i leave trinity. ill still keep intouch with my friends but chances are ill prolly just meet up with him for a school visit or lunch or something. while hes not always perfect he has been such a pivotal figure in my life and is responsible for much of my highschool experience. i want to say good bye to the theater department in the right way. saying good bye to him b4 scotland and then being with ms papin for the rest wont give me any closure.

im really dreading rehearsal for forum. ms. papin has been so unpleasant lately. i know shes got a lot on her plate but shes taking the wrong approach to it. so im kinda getting a handle on being several different people at once. today was a much better rehearsal. i mean i still am under a lot of stress and i feel i complain about it a little too much but it helps me calm down a bit when i talk about it. luckly i dont have hamlet on top of this. hey this is the first week i havn't been doing 2 shows at once since idk. well i know we had a hamlet rehearsal on a seagull performance. Ive got one more straight play at trinity. that gonna be weird. its my last show with mr. width. hamlet just seems so much better than both forum and ui. just like artistic ways. im kind of lost now. im just trying to get lost in a search for knowledge, but i feel that i am done. i have worked and i have accomplished.

Its funny how life is kind of like a tv series. Its episodic but eventually culminates in seasons. Highschool is done. I have had one hell of an experience, but now it seems that the ultimate goal is over and done with. i dont really care about the diploma. it seems like its over now. idk what to do with myself. there is nothing really specific to look forward to. people are like look forward to college, but thats so general. like its nothing concrete. idk. i never knew i was going to do hamlet, but it just seems like that its been there. like i knew something was coming but didn't know what it was. now theres nothing there.

I guess ive begun to mourn the death of me. for the end of highschool is a death of the life you knew and a birth of a whole new life. im leaving so much behind. i don't want to leave, but at the same time now i feel i must. i feel that my work is done. and i have to leave. no matter how much i want to stay. i just hope that i pick the right path. right now the gates are closed. and i still dont know which one i shall pass under. hopefully i will know before they are open and i am forced to choose.

Perhaps this is why I'm depressed? Perhaps not?
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Rehearsal! [Mar. 5th, 2008|10:20 pm]
[mood |uncomfortableuncomfortable]

Today at rehearsal I felt really rejected. I was excluded and basically told to go away from 4 groups of my friends. I guess no one trusts me. So I was really depressed until part of the set came slamming into my knees. That ended the depression, but it hurt so much and I had to run/limp around the rest of rehearsal. Right now my right knee is like twice the size of my left.
Today Dryden decided to give us a take home test essay. Has to be two pages typed. Due Friday. Just finished hamlet stuff now I've got hw. I can either do it today at midnight or tomorrow at midnight. Pretty much all the time I have.
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Why should life throw me into the future; so that my present is haunted by my past? [Mar. 4th, 2008|10:21 pm]
[mood |sadmourning]

Certain things never stop hurting.
God I hope hamlet gets together. There is so much richness is the play that people aren't getting, and the first scene people keep doing the same lack luster thing even though mister width told them to be urgent when he blocked the scene.
I am so tired.
Not looking for forum. I used to like ms. papin and defend her but lately shes just been pushing all my buttons. She expects way too much of us. Today I told her that I was going to miss a rehearsal 3 weeks from today, and she yelled at maggie and I because we didn't tell her sooner. She also gave a random lecture to a bunch of people, some of whom weren't even involved in the theater department, about being responsible and stuff, but like all we were doing was watching the trailer for hamlet during break. I was only in the room 2 talk to mr. width, but she decided to take the opportunity to bitch (<-- her words not mine) at us with no provocation.
I want this to be over so I can relax.
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internal conflict [Mar. 3rd, 2008|09:45 pm]
[mood |worriedworried]

the truth is freeing, but brings a world of troubles.
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