|Mourning of what is yet to pass
||[Mar. 10th, 2008|09:40 pm]
I've been depressed for a long time now. Idk y. its just this never ending sadness. Like its always looming even when i seem happy. its kinda like when you are sick and your throat hurts, but you laugh anyway if somethings funny even if it hurts your throat. It kinda minimizes the joy a little. idk. i really hope this goes away or i find some cause or something. i really have no idea. i cant think of anything that would have made me so depressed for so long.
Hamlets over. that was an amazing experience. although i kinda wish it was still going on, im kinda glad its over cause it took so much out of me. first show was amazing. second show i gave a better performance only cause i fucked up a line in the first act and i know that most people don't get it but like doing that play and speaking those words meant so much to me. screwing it up was heart breaking. i know it sounds stupid but we all have things we care about like that. so i was really emotional and basically crying for 3 hours on and off stage.
I really hope mr width comes to scotland. i was really looking forward to having him there. plus he is the real thing that im going to say good bye to when i leave trinity. ill still keep intouch with my friends but chances are ill prolly just meet up with him for a school visit or lunch or something. while hes not always perfect he has been such a pivotal figure in my life and is responsible for much of my highschool experience. i want to say good bye to the theater department in the right way. saying good bye to him b4 scotland and then being with ms papin for the rest wont give me any closure.
im really dreading rehearsal for forum. ms. papin has been so unpleasant lately. i know shes got a lot on her plate but shes taking the wrong approach to it. so im kinda getting a handle on being several different people at once. today was a much better rehearsal. i mean i still am under a lot of stress and i feel i complain about it a little too much but it helps me calm down a bit when i talk about it. luckly i dont have hamlet on top of this. hey this is the first week i havn't been doing 2 shows at once since idk. well i know we had a hamlet rehearsal on a seagull performance. Ive got one more straight play at trinity. that gonna be weird. its my last show with mr. width. hamlet just seems so much better than both forum and ui. just like artistic ways. im kind of lost now. im just trying to get lost in a search for knowledge, but i feel that i am done. i have worked and i have accomplished.
Its funny how life is kind of like a tv series. Its episodic but eventually culminates in seasons. Highschool is done. I have had one hell of an experience, but now it seems that the ultimate goal is over and done with. i dont really care about the diploma. it seems like its over now. idk what to do with myself. there is nothing really specific to look forward to. people are like look forward to college, but thats so general. like its nothing concrete. idk. i never knew i was going to do hamlet, but it just seems like that its been there. like i knew something was coming but didn't know what it was. now theres nothing there.
I guess ive begun to mourn the death of me. for the end of highschool is a death of the life you knew and a birth of a whole new life. im leaving so much behind. i don't want to leave, but at the same time now i feel i must. i feel that my work is done. and i have to leave. no matter how much i want to stay. i just hope that i pick the right path. right now the gates are closed. and i still dont know which one i shall pass under. hopefully i will know before they are open and i am forced to choose.
Perhaps this is why I'm depressed? Perhaps not?